


Can I Call You Her Name?

by artificialstella



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:56:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialstella/pseuds/artificialstella
Summary: A song fic based off of one of my favorite post-breakup Arctic Monkeys song. Katya feels lost after Trixie ended things, and it leads her down a dark path of searching for her Not Trixie in seedy bars.





	Can I Call You Her Name?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic posted solely on AO3 and I'm super excited! I've been working on this one for a long time, and genuinely think it's one of my best works. I hope you guys enjoy some good old angst with a very happy ending.

_I Thought I Saw You In The Battleship_

Desperation did funny things to people. Katya knew that fact very personally. She was a whirlwind of a person, always feeling too quickly and talking before her brain could keep up. And when she finally fell in love, she fell _deeply_. And was wounded deeply.

So, she sat her lonely ass at the bar, her heart broken into a million tiny pieces, and she felt like she was drowning in it. Katya was swept off in the sea of her inner turmoil with nothing to cling to or keep herself afloat. That was why she was at the dingy lesbian bar in the first place. She was suffocating in their apartment that was now hers alone. The ghost of their relationship was haunting Katya. She had wanted to escape, so she found herself gravitating towards another familiar place. Looking for a distraction, mostly. Something to fill in the loneliness eating away at her insides. What better than a bar full of ladies who loved ladies?

Katya’s eyes wandered the crowd aimlessly, but when her gaze was caught by a familiar shape heart breath hitched.

 There was something so arrestingly familiar about the pile of blonde hair and thick curves of the woman standing by the pool table. Without seeing her face, Katya could’ve sworn it was just the girl she was trying to avoid by going to the bar that night.

 Her demons were chasing her everywhere.

 Like a magnet, Katya was pulled from her stool and across the room. The closer Katya got, the more her heart raced. Every step felt like it opened the hole in Katya’s heart more. She’d never felt pain like this in her life, yearning like this.

 When she reached the pool table, and the woman, she quickly realized that it wasn’t her ex. Her features were all wrong, so sharp and angular. Her hips were round and her ass was fantastic but there wasn’t the same softness to her.

 But desperation was one hell of a motivator.

 This woman wasn’t right, but she was close enough. There were little details Katya could focus in on, little glimpses of the woman she wanted. It wasn’t a perfect fit, but it was better than nothing.

 “Are you just going to stand there and stare?” The woman asked. Her angular eyebrows were drawn up further in amusement. But her face remained cold, detached. There was no familiarity there to comfort Katya.

 “I wouldn’t be the only one,” Katya finally mustered with a grin. “I mean, this place isn’t exactly the Victoria’s Secret after party. Pretty people stand out in a crowd.”

 The woman smirked, and Katya started to relax. Flirting came so naturally to her, she knew she had an attractive personality. It was how Katya had managed so many one night stands before finding the one who wanted to stay.

 “Flattery will get you everywhere,” the woman replied. She leaned against the edge of the table, her tight leather skirt riding up her thighs. The glimmer in her eyes said it was intentional.

 “I’m not trying to get far, maybe just the bathroom,” Katya teased. The woman’s grin grew.

 “Fair enough,” the woman hummed. “Lead the way?”

 Katya turned around, and a hand was placed on her hips, the woman’s sharp acrylics scratching at Katya’s jeans. She led them through the crowd towards the back where the bathrooms were. There were a handful of individual rooms, so Katya led them to the last one and locked the door behind them.

 It wasn’t long before she was pushed up against the door by the other woman. She didn’t say a word, just bent down to press her lips against Katya’s. They were so plump, and Katya could let her mind wander to her full-lipped ex as they kissed.

 It was easier than Katya thought letting her imagination run wild. Katya could just put her hands on the other woman’s hips and fill in the rest. She pictured a hot pink skirt under her fingers, and the teasing words that would fall from her ex’s lips, mocking the fact that they were fooling around in a random bar’s bathroom.

 Lips trailed down Katya’s jaw and to her neck. Teeth nipped at her skin, and Katya let out a small moan. Her hand went to tangle in the woman’s blonde hair.

 “ _Trixie_ ,” she breathed, and the world finally started to feel light again.

 But the lips left her skin, and Katya felt herself jarring back to reality.

 “It’s Raven, sweetheart,” the woman purred. Katya licked her lips. She was at war with herself in her head, debating whether or not she should let herself sink so low.

 “Can I-” she stopped, and Raven tilted her head. “I um, just broke up with the love of my life, and I just... you look so much like her.”

 “And that’s my problem because?” Katya swallowed.

 “Can I call you her name?”

 Raven stepped back, a pissy look crossing her face. 

“I’m not some standin for your girl toy, sweetheart. You can either call me by my name or get the fuck out.”

 Humiliated, Katya reached behind her and threw the door open. She was a coward, and like a coward she fled.

 ***

_I Thought I Saw You In The Rusty Hook_

It was sick, Katya knew that. If Trixie ever found out what Katya was doing, she’d be horrified. Hell, if anyone found out what Katya was doing she’d become a Pariah. She was pathetic, chasing the best part of her life when it should clearly stay in the past. But Katya couldn’t help herself. There was still this ache inside of her, this nagging pain that couldn’t let her move on. She was hopelessly, helplessly in love with nowhere to place that affection.

 She needed an outlet, no matter how wrong that was.

 Of course she couldn’t go back to her usual haunt, in case she ran into Not Trixie #1. This bar was a little quieter, with brighter lighting and white wicker furniture instead of dingy bar stools. There were plenty of gay women filling the space though, and Katya was on the hunt.

 She calmed her nerves with an assortment of cocktails, which also helped her blur the lines between reality and the fantasy she was chasing.

 Once Katya was swaying on her feet, she saw a tiny little thing sitting in the back corner. She was short, but God was she curvy, and had the most striking features. The mass of curls piled on top of her head sealed the deal for Katya. Not Trixie #2 might have been pocket sized, but she would do just fine.

 Katya crossed the bar and sat herself right in the girl’s lap. No words were exchanged, just the raising of eyebrows, asking if they’d dare.

 Oh, Katya dared.

 She cupped the girl’s cheek and kissed her, and was met with eagerness. The woman tasted like liquor as well, the perfect recipe for bad decisions.

 The girl’s hand dropped to Katya’s thigh and stroked her skin high up on her leg. The girl wasn’t there to play, and neither was Katya.

 “Bathroom?” The girl breathed, her voice high and sultry. Katya climbed off of her lap and held out her hand. It was strange being the taller one. Katya barely pushed 5’5”, and her aversion to heels usually meant she was towered over. But Not Trixie #2 only came up to Katya’s shoulder, and her mile-high hair made up the rest of the height.

 They entered the bathroom and Katya flicked the lock shut and when she turned around the girl had seated herself on the counter. When they made eye contact the girl spread her legs, inviting Katya in.

 Katya settled in between her thighs and they resumed kissing. Now that they were alone their hands started to wander. Katya’s hands slid to the girl’s ass, and the girl explored Katya’s body. When her hands found Katya’s breasts she cupped them and squeezed.

 “Touch me,” Katya whispered, arching her chest further into the girl’s hands.

 “I am, if you were paying attention,” the girl shot back with a smirk. That was something Trixie would’ve definitely have said to Katya.

 “Just shut up and take my bra off,” Katya replied. The girl’s hands snuck up the back of Katya’s shirt and unhooked her bra. Katya maneuvered the straps off through her sleeves and let it drop to the floor. Her nipples were hard under her shirt, and the girl ran her thumb over one of the nubs.

 “You have awesome tits,” the girl complemented sincerely. Katya laughed and kissed her again.

 “Thank you, you have an awesome ass.” Katya moved down to start kissing the girl’s neck, her teeth nipping ever so gently at her skin. The girl’s head tilted back and a soft sigh left her.

 “What’s your name, doll?” Katya asked.

 “Laila.” The girl’s voice had already begun to dip lower from being turned on.

 “Can I ask you a favor, Laila?” Katya continued. Her hand crept between Laila’s thighs, toying with the edge of her panties.

 “Yeah, anything.”

 Katya leaned in and nipped at the shell of Laila’s ear.

 “I’ve been going through a rough time, and it’d really help me out if we did a little roleplaying,” Katya murmured.

 “Sure, do you want me to be, like, your boss or something?” Katya shook her head.

 “You look just like my ex, splitting image really. You don’t have to do anything, honestly. Just let me call you her name.” Katya tried to keep her voice low and soothing, hoping that Laila’s horniness would outway her conscience.

 “Oh.” Laila pulled away, and Katya could tell she had lost her. “That’s not really something I’d be comfortable doing, sorry babe. We can just fuck normally if you still want to.”

 Katya shook her head and stepped back. Disappointment began washing over her, threatening to pull her under again.

 “It’s okay,” Katya said as evenly as she could. “I should probably go home anyway. I’m too drunk for this.”

 She ran her hand through her hair and tried to fight off the urge to burst into tears in the middle of the bathroom. Laila shot her a pitying look and hopped off of the countertop.

 “Hey, it’s okay. Breakups are a bitch, we’ve all been there. Let me get you an Uber home, alright?”

 Laila led her out of the bathroom and waited outside with her as she ordered the car. She even lit Katya’s cigarette, as her lighter was out of fluid when she pulled it out of her purse. She sent Katya off with a kiss, and as Katya sat in the Uber she felt a pang of regret. Laila was cute, and witty, and seemed like she could keep up with Katya. She was a great person, but just not the right one. If Katya could just get it through her head that Trixie was never coming home, then she could move on. Maybe find another Laila. But instead she was still chasing a ghost.

 ***

  _I Thought I Saw You In The Parrot’s Beak_

 Going to all of those quiet bars was useless. What Katya wanted was of a particular taste, something she couldn't get just anywhere. So, like a junkie chasing a next bump, she found herself skulking around in one of the seediest bars in the city. The music was a level too loud, the lights too dark, and the drinks too strong. Everyone was wearing black clothes and showed off as much skin as was legal. Katya hadn't been to a place like this since her darker days.

 It was just another reminder of how lost she was, without Trixie.

 The only problem with this place was that it was hard to see the bodies moving through the darkness. She could barely tell a person’s arm from their leg, how was she supposed to find Not Trixie #3?

 As the night went on Katya’s frustration grew, and eventually she needed to escape. She found herself in the bathroom splashing water on her face.

 Katya couldn't stand her reflection. She looked like a ghoulish version of herself. Her cheeks were sunken, her eyes red and wide. Even her hair was a tangled mess of curls around her head. This wasn't the woman she worked so hard to become. This wasn't the look of someone who deserved to be loved. This was the look of someone who was alone.

 The door opened behind her and she caught the eyes of the woman entering.

 Maybe fate had a plan for Katya after all. The woman fit Katya’s warped standards well enough. Her hair was bleach white, and her full features were more silicone than natural, but she could work.

 “Don't mind me,” the woman joked as she climbed up the counter. Katya’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion until she noticed the woman’s target; the smoke alarm.

 Katya also noticed one of the woman’s arms was in a cast, and her good one was too focused on tampering with the alarm to steady her. Katya placed her hand on the woman’s hip to keep her from falling off of the counter. The woman looked down and smirked before returning to her task at hand.

 With a triumphant whoop the woman disengaged the machine.

 “Thanks,” she said as she climbed down. She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of Marlboro’s, and then tilted the carton towards Katya. Katya silently took one out and flashed a grateful smile. She took her own lighter out of her purse, and after lighting her cigarette she did the same for the woman.

 “So what brings you here princess? You don't exactly look like our usual.” There was no hint of judgement in the woman’s voice, just curiosity.

 “I'm looking for love in all of the wrong places,” Katya mused, blowing out a puff of smoke. The woman laughed.

 “You're not going to find love here,” the woman assured.

 “I know,” Katya sighed. “But I can pretend.”

 The woman cooed patronizingly and cupped Katya’s cheek. The ashes of her cigarette singed her shoulder.

 “If all you need is a quick fix you've come to the right place,” the woman assured.

 “Is that an offer?”

 The woman laughed again and stubbed out her cigarette.

 “Sure, why not. C’mon kid.” She took Katya’s hand and led her out of the bathroom. All Katya could see was her large mass of hair as they moved through the club until they pushed out of the back door.

 The woman had brought Katya to the back alley. It seemed fitting for how low she had sunk.

 Katya was pushed against the rough brick and the woman was there, attacking her mouth. She was rough, her good hand gripping Katya’s hip tight enough to bruise. But Katya ached for it. She deserved to be roughed up a bit. Love making wasn't an option for her anymore.

 “Ever since I broke my fucking arm I can't get off right anymore. My left hand is about as useful as a limp dick,” the woman rasped. Her teeth sunk into Katya’s shoulder and Katya’s back arched off of the wall.

 “Poor baby,” Katya gasped. She was testing the waters, not wanting to jump right into asking to play make believe. Katya tucked the woman’s hair behind her ear.

 “Baby, huh?” The woman snickered. “Well then baby, get on your knees. I'm so horny it hurts.”

 The woman stepped back and switched their places. Katya knelt down in front of her and pushed up her leather skirt.

 “No underwear?”

 “It's more convenient that way.”

 Katya shrugged and leant forward to kiss the woman’s pale thighs. The woman wasn't having any of Katya’s foreplay, though. She grabbed Katya’s hair roughly and guided her head forward. Katya took the hint.

 When Katya was with Trixie, she worshipped every inch of her. Bringing her love pleasure was all she wanted. It was that emotional connection that Katya really missed.

 But what she got now was asphalt cutting up her knees, a stranger yanking her hair, and a quick fix. Katya tried to get in that headspace, imagine it was Trixie’s gorgeous thighs her face was between. But it was too rough, too different from the fairytale fuck she craved. It was a shame, too, because Not Trixie #3 probably looked the most like the real thing. Just maybe her dark twisted sister.

 Katya wasn't really present as she ate the woman out. It was quick, through the motions. Her tongue knew what to do, and within minutes the woman finished.

 Her death grip on Katya’s hair slacked, allowing Katya to stand up. The woman’s pale face was flushed red, and her chest was heaving from exertion.

 “God, you've got a talented mouth kid.” The woman tugged her skirt down to cover herself again.

 “Years of practice,” Katya hummed. She just wanted to curl up in her bed now, away from this alley and her third instance of failure.

 “Want me to return the favor?” Katya shook her head.

 “I don't think you could give me what I'm looking for,” Katya admitted. The woman’s eyebrows rose.

 “And what’s that?”

 “A time machine. The ability to hold a stable relationship. Some self respect,” Katya listed off. The woman snorted.

 “Emotional bullshit isn't really my forte. If you're ever looking for plain old sex just come back here and ask for Sharon.”

 With a wink, Sharon went back through the door, leaving Katya alone.

***

_I Saw Your Sister In The Cornerstone_

 Katya had all but given up on her quest for a replacement girlfriend. After three utter failures and abject humiliation, she didn't have the will to try again. Now she was left with her heart possibly broken more than when she started.

 It was full circle, how she ended up sitting alone at another gay bar, just looking to soothe the pain with alcohol.

 Maybe it was because she wasn't looking for it that she finally found it.

 Katya was nursing her third bourbon when she saw someone sit down on the stool next to her out of the corner of her eye. A chill ran down her spine when she heard the girl speak. She knew that voice, she'd met her quite a few times when she and Trixie were together.

 “Oh my god, Katya?”

 Pearl looked just as gorgeous as ever. Her long hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail, and she was wearing a tight jumpsuit. Pearl was always so effortlessly cool.

 “Hey girl,” Katya greeted with a forced smile. She didn't know where they would stand after Pearl’s sister dumped Katya’s pathetic ass and didn't look back. But the warmth in her smile let Katya know she came in peace.

 “I haven't seen you in so long, how've you been?” Pearl’s hand dropped on top of Katya’s on the bar, giving it a friendly squeeze.

 “Doing as well as I can, I guess.” Katya looked down at the half empty glass in front of her and pursed her lips. Pearl hummed sympathetically.

 “I'm sorry my sister is such an idiot. She doesn't know what she's missing,” Pearl comforted. Her eyes were earnest, and her thumb rubbed along the back of Katya’s hand soothingly.

 “She had her reasons,” Katya replied with a shrug. She didn’t want to talk about their split.

 “Yeah, whatever,” Pearl snorted. “Let’s not talk about Trix. How’s your dating life? I’m sure a gorgeous thing like yourself has a hard time staying single.”

 A laugh bubbled out of Katya and she covered her hand. If only Pearl knew. If only she could see the complete and utter collapse of her life after their breakup. The pathetic lost puppy she had become, chasing an owner that had left her at the pound.

 “Definitely single,” Katya answered as casually as she could. Pearl’s eyelids drooped further, and her lips twitched briefly into a smirk.

 “Pity,” she hummed, though she didn’t exactly sound upset. She leaned closer into Katya, her hand dipping to her lower back. Did Pearl have no shame? Katya was her older sister’s ex, it had only been two weeks since their three year long relationship had ended. Could she really be pulling the moves on Katya?

 “One man’s loss is another’s gain,” Katya said, testing the waters. Pearl _might_ not have any shame, but Katya for _sure_ didn’t. Her pride, her modesty, it was so easily thrown away in the pursuit of her Not Trixie.

 “And who stands to gain?” Pearl asked.

 Katya didn’t answer, instead her hand went to Pearl’s thigh. Katya’s gaze was unwavering, and silently they sized each other up. It was a dark path they were walking. But it would be a pleasurable journey. Staring into those familiar blue eyes, Katya was willing to sell her soul for them to make the leap.

 “My place?” Pearl whispered. Even in the din of the bar, the words reached Katya’s ears with perfect clarity.

 “Lead the way.”

 Pearl took her hand again and together the two blondes left the bar. The sound of Pearl’s skinny heels and Katya’s boots slapping against the pavement had Katya’s heart beating faster and faster. It sounded like the drums of war, the percussion of their steps. Calling them to danger, with adrenaline pumping through Katya’s veins. Hopefully Katya would come out victorious this time.

 After a tense fifteen minute walk, Pearl pulled out the keys to her apartment building and unlocked the front door. She led Katya up the stairs and down the hall, eventually stopping in front of her door. As Pearl worked on unlocking the door, Katya pressed up behind her. She pushed her long ponytail over one shoulder and kissed her long neck. Pearl leaned into her touch, and with a ‘click’ the door opened. Katya pushed them forward and kicked the door shut behind her. In the dark of the apartment, she turned Pearl around. Katya couldn’t tell who moved first, but suddenly their lips met roughly. Katya held Pearl’s face between her hands to deepen the kiss, and Pearl gripped the back of Katya’s shirt. Her leg wedged between Katya’s thighs, rocking against her. They were diving in headfirst, and Katya’s head was spinning.

 “Wait- Pearl.”

 “Bedroom?” Pearl offered, pulling back. Katya nodded silently. Pearl led her into her bedroom and flicked the lights on. Pearl’s lips were smeared with red, and her pupils almost swallowed her eyes, making them look endlessly dark. Katya shivered. They were already this far, Katya had to try. It was her final chance.

 “Pearl, this is going to sound so fucked up, but is it okay if I call you her name?” Katya asked. Pearl’s eyes widened at first, but after the initial shock her face returned to it’s lustful state.

 “That is fucked up,” Pearl agreed. “But so is me fucking my sister’s ex. If you wanna call me Trixie, I don’t care. As long as I can get you out of your clothes in the next sixty seconds.”

 Joy radiated through Katya, and she began undressing so quickly she became tangled in her jacket. Pearl chuckled and stepped forward, unzipping the rest of the jacket and pushing it off her shoulders. Her hands went to Katya’s fly as Katya tore off her shirt. No bra, no problem. As the zipper was pulled down, Katya kicked off her shoes, then shimmied out of her tight jeans. Now she was left in her underwear and socks, bare for the other woman. Pearl eyed her appraisingly before turning around.

 “Wanna get my zipper for me babe?” She asked, fluttering her eyelashes. Katya stepped forward and carefully undid her jumpsuit. Of course she wasn’t wearing a bra either, because Pearl never wore a bra. The top of the jumpsuit pooled at her waist, and Pearl pushed it off her hips and onto the floor. She carefully stepped out of it and turned around again.

 “Get on the bed sweetie,” Pearl instructed. There was something about her tone, like she was speaking to someone familiar. Was she playing the part? Katya climbed into bed and settled into Pearl’s pile of pillows. “Close your eyes and let your imagination do the rest.”

 Katya’s eyes fluttered shut. She trusted Pearl not to do anything unsavory with Katya so vulnerable like this.

 Hands cradled Katya’s ankle and stripped off her sock, then the other. There was a pause, then the soft thump of shoes hitting the ground. The hands returned to Katya’s body, tracing up her calves and settling on her thighs. Gentle hands lifted Katya’s legs until her feet were planted on the comforter, knees bent and legs spread. Katya squeezed her eyes tighter and let her mind run wild. She pictured Trixie’s favorite rings pressing into her skin as the hands squeezed her thighs, her curly hair brushing against her skin as the other woman leaned forward. She could see the hot pink lipstick marks adorning her tan skin as lips were pressed to her flesh, getting closer and closer to her panties.

 Katya decided to take it a step further.

 “Trixie, c’mon, you know I hate teasing,” she whined. There was a chuckle above her, and her underwear was pulled down her legs. She could just see Trixie’s smug face, could feel her hot breath on her thighs. She had to grip the comforter so she wouldn’t grab the other woman’s hair. This was her love, her treasure, she would never do anything to hurt her.

 Finally, a tongue dipped between her folds and Katya’s hips jerked. Her mind flooded with memories from her relationship. Her and Trixie’s first time, hesitant and gentle. Katya was pretty sure she cried a little bit when she orgasmed, she was just so overwhelmed with love. She thought of the nights where they’d spend hours in bed, pleasuring each other over and over until Katya’s legs felt like jelly and she couldn’t even prop herself up on their sweat-stained sheets. She thought of the times where she’d come home from work stressed, and Trixie would run her a bath and step in to join her, a glimmer in her eyes as her hand sank beneath the bubbles.

 All of those memories, plus the mouth on her clit, drove her to her orgasm embarrassingly fast.

 “Trixie, Trixie, _Trixie_ ,” she cried over and over. Her mouth couldn’t even form a word other than her name. Her brain was so consumed with Trixie, she filled every pore in her body. Her legs trembled as she rode out her orgasm, her skin flushed and her breathing heavy.

 When her eyes peeked open, she was met with the sight of Pearl. The girl had let her hair out of it’s ponytail, and now it was draped gracefully around her face and down her back like a veil. Her eyes were still so dark, staring up at Katya. Katya sat up and held her arms out.

 The fantasy was over now, but that didn’t mean their time together was over. Pearl had given Katya everything she had wanted, and now it was Pearl’s turn.

 “Thank you,” Katya whispered sincerely, her lips brushing against Pearl’s. Her fingers settled on Pearl’s hips and toyed with the waistband of her underwear.

 “What can I do for you now? You can have me any way you want me,” she continued. Pearl tucked her hair behind her ear and grinned.

 “Hold on.”

 She got up off of the bed and crossed the room to her dresser. She bent over to grab something, showing off the shape of her ass. When she pulled up, Katya recognized the toy in her hands.

 Pearl tossed the different pieces onto the bed for Katya. It wasn’t the first time Katya had ever used a strapon, so it didn’t take long for her to slip into the harness and attach the dildo. There was a little packet of lube as well, so Katya took good care to spread it all over the silicone dick.

 Pearl climbed back onto the bed, and Katya was about to sit up more to make room for Pearl when Pearl steadied herself on Katya’s shoulder.

 “Like this,” she instructed. Pearl tossed her leg over Katya’s hips and grabbed the slick toy. She slowly lowered herself down until she was fully seated in Katya’s lap. Her eyes were shut now, and her lips were parted. She wriggled slightly as she adjusted to the size of the toy before she started to move. As soon as she found a steady pace her eyes opened to lock with Katya’s. She was quiet, except for the hitching of her breath every time the toy sank into her. As she moved down, Katya experimentally thrusted up to meet her. Pearl let out a surprised moan, digging her nails into Katya’s shoulder.

 “No need to do all the work yourself,” Katya teased. She adjusted her position so she could more easily move her hips, now in a seated position against the headboard. She pulled Pearl flush against her and started thrusting in time with Pearl’s rocking. Pearl’s face was now pressed against the crook of Katya’s neck, and she could hear the soft whines the younger girl let out every time Katya pushed into her. Pearl now wrapped her arms around Katya, and when things became too pleasurable her nails instinctively dug into Katya’s back. The closer she got to her orgasm, the rougher Pearl was with Katya’s skin. It burned, but Katya didn’t mind the pain.

 Pearl’s back arched and her entire body stiffened as she came. She let out a low moan, her body trembling in Katya’s embrace. When she finished, she lifted herself off of the toy and flopped down on the bed.

 “Who would’ve known you’d be so good with that thing?” Pearl panted. Her long hair was splayed out on the bed underneath her. Katya undid the harness and pushed the toy off of her body.

 “It’s a skill,” Katya retorted jokingly. Pearl laughed and let her eyes close.

 “You’re only allowed to sleep over if you stay naked. I wanna fall asleep smothered between your boobs.” As if to prove her point, Pearl rolled over on top of Katya and laid her face directly between Katya’s breasts. The older woman giggled, mostly from Pearl’s breath and hair tickling her skin.

 “Fine, fine. Just let me go pee then we can go to sleep.”

 Pearl rolled off of Katya with a chuckle and let the other women get up. She found the bathroom easily enough, and when she came back Pearl was lying down on her side of the bed. Katya turned off the lights and found her way to the other side of the bed.

 As she closed her eyes, she was haunted once again by memories of her ex. The pit in her stomach could be confused with either post-orgasm relief or guilt. Probably an unfortunate combination of both. She couldn’t let those thoughts consume her though, not after she finally got what she wanted. She could worry about what this all meant for her sanity in the morning. 

***

Katya slept harder and longer than she intended to. Maybe the liquor in her system knocked her out cold when she finally gave herself over to sleep. Either way, she woke up to the sound of voices in the main room. She couldn’t make out what they were saying, but Katya could assume it was Pearl in a friend. Grogginess was still heavy in her muscles, so stayed unmoving. The sheets had been pushed down to Katya’s waist when Pearl got up, but she didn’t mind the cool air against her sweat-damp skin.

 The voices got louder, and Katya heard Pearl say: “Trixie, don’t-”

 Katya’s heart froze, and she sat up the same time as the door opened.

 It was like time froze.

 There she was, dressed in her slouchy leggings and an old Barbie sweatshirt, so loose around the neckline that her collarbones were on full display. Her hair was tossed into a bun on top of her head with tendrils falling around her face. She looked fresh faced, her cheeks rosy, her eyes bright. She looked happy, thriving, completely over their relationship. Katya wished this moment would just stay like this, where she could drink in Trixie forever and ever.

 “What the fuck,” Trixie blurted out, and suddenly everything started crumbling. Katya was sitting there, tits out and a dumb expression on her face. Pearl was standing in the doorway behind Trixie, a guilty look on her face. And Trixie.

 Katya had never seen Trixie look so angry. Her whole body was vibrating with it, and for a second Katya was scared Trixie was going to cross the room and hit her. But Trixie would never. The look on her face was torturous enough for Katya anyway, it hurt more than any slap ever could.

 Trixie turned to Pearl, completely ignoring Katya.

 “This is unforgivable,” she snapped. “I don’t care about the other exes you’ve fucked, but _not_ her. You promised Pearl.”

 With Trixie’s back turned, Katya quickly climbed out of bed and started throwing her clothes on. There were humiliated tears fogging up her eyes as she struggled into her clothes. Once she was sloppily dressed, she immediately bolted towards the door. She pushed past the fighting sisters, and heard both call after her as she reached the front door. She ignored them, instead slamming the door behind her. Her fight or flight instincts were in full force as she hurried out of the building. She just needed to get home, curl up in her apartment and play the image of Trixie’s betrayed face over and over in her mind.

 As she walked briskly down the street, she could hear the sound of running feet behind her.

 “Kat!”

 Katya froze, her entire body tensing. Trixie caught up to her and stopped. Her face was hard to read, she looked uncomfortable but not angry. Katya wanted nothing more than to cup her cheek and make all of the tension drain from her face. But Trixie wouldn’t want that, not anymore. So Katya shoved her hands in her pockets to keep her from doing anything stupid.

 “Here to yell at me?” Katya joked. Trixie shook her head and twisted a piece of her hair around her finger nervously.

 “No, I fully blame Pearl for… That. This isn’t the first time she’s chased after one of my exes. We have similar taste in women, and she’s a complete bitch so…” Trixie shrugged. “I just thought she’d stay away from you.”

 “Well, I guess not.” Katya didn’t know if she wanted to run or force Trixie to talk with her for as long as she could. Just being in her presence was like patching over every scar that their breakup had inflicted on her. But Katya knew it was all temporary. Soon enough Trixie will leave her in her past again and go back to being happy, leaving Katya to lick her wounds all over again.

 “How uh, how’ve you been?” Trixie asked carefully. Katya knew she probably looked rough. Her skin was most likely sallow from her hangover, her eyes sunken from poor sleep, and her hair a knotted mess. Even her clothes were smelly and wrinkled from being on the floor all night. Did she even remember her socks?

 “Great,” Katya replied, deadpanned. There was no way she’d ever tell Trixie the truth. Why guilt her over a relationship she clearly didn’t want to continue? She didn’t need Trixie to pity her. “You look good, Trix.”

 Trixie shrugged, her cheeks flushing. God, Katya missed that sight. Making Trixie flustered was one of her favorite things.

 “Oh shut up, I fully look like a mess,” Trixie shot back.

 “And I don’t look like one?”

 “Touché.” Trixie paused, sizing Katya up. “I can walk you back to your place, if you want.”

  _‘Our place’_ , Katya wanted to say. _‘Don’t you remember how excited we were when we found it? How we painstakingly decorated it together? It will always be ours.’_

 “Sure,” she said instead. They started walking again, their paces falling in line.

 “I miss you, you know,” Trixie murmured. Katya chanced a quick glance over at her. Trixie’s face was serious, her eyes remaining on the sidewalk ahead of them.

 “I miss you too,” Katya whispered.

 “It’s the little things you don’t realize you’re used to in your life, you know? Our little rituals that used to get me through the day. Now it’s like I’ve reverted back to my life three years ago, but I can’t shake our old life,” Trixie explained. Katya’s hands curled at her side. If only Trixie knew. Katya was stuck in a loop, circling the drain of the giant hold Trixie left behind. There was no way Trixie felt the way Katya did, or else she wouldn’t have ended things in the first place.

 “Breakups are hard,” Katya answered plainly. “That’s why I usually avoid relationships in general.”

 There was an awkward silence between them. Trixie knew exactly what their relationship had meant to Katya. How much convincing it took for Katya to trust Trixie, and believe they could make it. That Trixie wouldn’t break Katya’s heart. They lasted longer than Katya ever thought they would, but still. It ended exactly how Katya knew it would. In heartbreak.

 “Well thank god you got out of this one, right?” Trixie joked. Katya bristled.

 “That wasn’t my choice,” she shot back.

 “But it was the right thing to do,” Trixie countered. Katya’s eyes narrowed and she stomped ahead of Trixie. They had reached her apartment building anyway, so it was perfect Trixie pissed Katya off right when she departed. It would hurt less watching her leave.

 But Trixie didn’t leave. She followed Katya up the stairs, and watched her unlock the door. Did she really want to come inside? There was nothing but painful memories behind that door. At least for Katya. It was her choice, though. Katya threw the door open and moved into the apartment, shedding her coat as she went. She toed off her boots and moved into the kitchen to put on some coffee. The silence in the room had her suspicious though, so she looked over at Trixie.

 Her ex was standing in the doorway, inspecting the apartment. There was a look of confusion on her face as she took it in.

 “What? It hasn’t changed much since you moved out,” Katya questioned.

 “It hasn’t changed at all,” Trixie whispered. “This place is bare Katya, why didn’t you replace any of the stuff I took?”

 It was true, the place was half empty. Trixie had done most of the decorating, so when she moved out Katya was left with very little. An old painting from college she had done, the bedding, a few kitchen appliances, and the couch remained. But the center rug, the other artwork, the furniture, the television, it was all gone.

 “I couldn’t,” Katya admitted. She swallowed thickly and looked around herself, picturing everything like it used to be. “It would make everything too real.”

 “Oh.”

 The quiet enveloped them again. Their relationship hovered over them like a looming shadow, nearly sucking all of the air out of the room. Katya couldn’t flee from this anymore.

 “You kept my half waiting for me,” Trixie noted. Those words brought tears to Katya’s eyes again. She turned around to pour coffee into a mug and wiped at her face. She couldn’t show weakness, couldn’t make Trixie guilty for moving on. Katya was never good enough for Trixie anyway.

 “Katya, please look at me.” Katya slowly turned around, clutching her mug for dear life. Their eyes met, and Katya could see Trixie’s own eyes filling with tears. This was exactly what she wanted to avoid. Her weird fantasies, her obsession, she never wanted it to actually hurt Trixie. But she always had a way of ruining things.

 “Do you know why I ended it?” Trixie asked, stepping closer. Katya shook her head. She had her theories, but Trixie never really gave her a straight answer. Katya had been too shocked at the time to ask. The why didn’t matter to her, it was the what.

 “I always felt like I was trapping you. You were always so vibrant, so happy in your independence. For three years I felt like I had tricked you into dating me. The longer we were together, the more I was scared you were just going through the motions to make me happy. Were you going to propose, because that’s what people who’ve been dating that long do? Were you going to have kids for me, even though you don’t want them? It terrified me. It’s stupid, but I thought letting you go was the greatest gift I could give you, because I love you. Your happiness means more to me than my own selfishness.”

 Trixie paused and looked around again. At the emptiness, the nothingness Katya had become.

 “I can see now I was being a fucking idiot. I just hurt you in the worst way possible. And I’m so sorry Kat, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m okay if you never forgive me for what I did, but I want you to know that I’m still so in love with you, and that’s never going to change. I just don’t want you living half a life because you don’t think I want to be in it anymore.”

 Katya let out a sob, so Trixie crossed the room and pulled her to her chest. Katya clung to her like she was afraid if she let go she’d never get to touch her again.

 “Don’t leave,” Katya pleaded. “I can’t- I can’t do this without you Trix, you’re my whole fucking world.”

 Trixie pressed her lips to Katya’s forehead.

 “Never again,” Trixie promised. “I’m yours, as long as you’ll have me.”


End file.
